I faked an abortion last night.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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