im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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