And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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