I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
