You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize