your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
