Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize