My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
