Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
