i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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