i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
