once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
