I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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