I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize