I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
