i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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