I just pynch a tree in the face
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
