I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
