ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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