Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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