If that was your dad, he is hot
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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