this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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