Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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