OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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