Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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