Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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