So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
