Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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