I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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