I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
