I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
