Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
