the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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