Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
3 2 1 whiskey
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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