Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
