I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
