My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We have started to decorate penises.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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