I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
