Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
