Plan B is the new Plan A
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
