he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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