how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
