Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
