so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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