The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
