All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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