and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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