I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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