Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
