You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He felt like a one man threesome
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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