Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
