He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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