and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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