just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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