Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
