I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
