you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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