i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
