Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
