If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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