so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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