Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize