it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
