Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
